Hello to the highs and lows!

I'm now a 15-year old girl who has probably learned a lot along the way during my annual metamorphosis.

Looking back, I may have been a little down, but this time, it's actually the time to enjoy what life has to offer.

There may be a couple of highs and lows, but gathering the necessary strength to combat all these sad downpours is going to keep me at a safe equilibrium, and hopefully also beci\ome the equation to happiness I long for.

I want to stop all the negative thoughts. I could if I give myself the willpower to. It's mind over matter anyway.

And for the highs, I have to cherish them. There are all fleeting moments, like bubbles that break in a blink of an eye.

I wouldn't say I've learned all the discreet ways of life, because I certainly still have to learn a lot. A lot that can actually surprise my hypothalamus. A lot that I can be thankful for in the end.

Hello to the highs and lows!

All the useless mind troubling.

I don't think I really had the chance to give myself closure for all the things that happened to me. I wasn't really impressed with what I've done during the past year. I'm honestly so gutted with myself. I hate myself for what I've done. It was not the girl I know. It was just a disastrous cover-up who wanted to have some reckless fun. And that reckless fun was too much of an embarrassment that still haunt me each day, and remind me that I should be a better person this time. No more spaces for stupid mistakes. 

I give my mind all the useless troubling, and I constantly feed myself with my insensible insecurities. I could have been a happier person if only I knew how to give closure to myself. But I just couldn't. I couldn't forget and forgive. It's all too blurry for me. 


I want to forgive myself, but I don't think I'm worth forgiving. I sound neurotic. But really... If only I was a little wiser I wouldn't have ended up this miserable.


I feel a little detached, but I think it's the safest way. I don't want to be any nearer anymore. I don't want to commit stupidity even at the lowest costs. I don't want to look back and regret, something that became an everyday hobby of mine.

Is this even psychologically healthy? I think not. I am so angry. I am so frustrated I want to slam my laptop. But no. I need to live with this.

I did all these mistakes now I have to face them. I have to face the embarrassment I caused myself. I have been stupid, and I have to face the consequences it entails.

It's all different now.

Yes, it all is.

I'm not the same girl I was before, and I don't know if that's a good thing.

I've been through different phases in life, and I've kind of got myself in silly little transitions.

It's all good in the hood.

I don't know if I like how I am right now. But, I know for sure, I like the comfort.

I like how I no longer need emotional dependence from anyone.

I don't have the need to share my stories and problems to anyone anymore. I like it. Because I honestly know no one (out of all the people I know in my life) is genuinely interested in my life. And all the stories I have to share.

I may be physically and socially present to everyone, but in all deep honestly, I'm perfectly emotionally absent. Weird, right? I don't find the need to emotionally connect with anyone anymore.

I feel I don't have a best friend anymore. It used to hurt and disturb me so much, but not anymore. Fine, I don't have anyone to share anything with.

After all, I have myself. I have my blog.

I feel so alone.

But it's not like I can do anything about it.

First impressions

Everybody says first impressions are always important. They can make a huge impact on the level of respect people will give you.


But are first impressions really that important? Are they accurately factual? Or just a mere impulsive thought we give a person when we first take notice of them?


We probably couldn't avoid having first impressions of other people, maybe it's even human nature to. Even I have first impressions of other people.


Why am I suddenly writing about this topic? Well, it's just that there are recently so many instances that my first impressions were really inaccurate. I mean, I see a person, and when I get to have a proper conversation with them, they usually are completely opposite of what I first thought.


I'd see a buff guy that seem to give off an intimidating aura, but when I get to talk to him, I realize how pleasantly friendly he is.


I seem to see a girl who looks like an all-around party girl, but then when I get to know her, she's actually very entertaining and accommodating.


It's like I surprise myself. You really wouldn't know a person until you get to talk to them face-to-face. Sure, they can only say what they choose to say, and do what they think is safe for their reputation, but the mere fact that they were completely far from what I thought they'd be.


I don't think I'm being judgmental at first, or I'm trying to stereotype them. It's just that I'm curious about them But, it's like a really heartwarming feeling when you finally get to know them.


Everyone has their own depth, and merely looking at them or giving a conclusion on how they act when you first saw them, wouldn't determine that. You'd have to dig a little deeper, and give them a chance to let you explore their personality.


After all, anything can surprise us. 

This meaningful song

Janis Ian is a wonderful singer. Yes, she is. I remember listening to her through my mom when I was really young. I love her song "At Seventeen". I never really pondered upon the lyrics yet, only dancing to the beat. 
But now that I got a little bit older and learned to appreciate the song not only for the beat it had, but for the lyrics too. This song is definitely MEANINGFUL. Truly heartfelt. It must be like a diary to Janis when she wrote it. You could obviously sense her outpouring honesty in this song. 
It speaks so much of how teenage girls feel, and how society and reality mold girls. Girls may be one gender, but when you look at it, it's hard being a girl, especially when you're in the stage of puberty, where you get to open your minds to the world's reality. You can get shocked about how the world spins. 
If you have time, please do read the lyrics I pasted here. If you're a girl, you'd really understand what Janis' singing about. 


I learned the truth at seventeen,
That love was meant for beauty queens.
In high school, girls with clear-skin smiles,
Who married young and then retired.


The valentines I never knew.
The Friday night charades of youth,
Were spent on one more beautiful.
At seventeen I learned the truth.


And those of us with ravaged faces,
Lacking in the social graces,
Desperately remained at home,
Inventing lovers on the phone.
Who called to say come dance with me.
And murmured vague obscenities.
It isn't all it seems,
At seventeen.


A brown-eyed girl in hand-me-downs.
Whose name I never could pronounce,
Said, "Pity, please, the ones who serve,
They only get what they deserve."


And the rich-relationed, hometown queen,
Marries into what she needs.
With a guarantee of company,
And haven for the elderly.


Remember those who win the game,
Lose the love they sought to gain.
In debentures of quality,
And dubious integrity.
The small-town eyes will gape at you,
In dull surprise, when payment due,
Exceeds accounts received.
At seventeen

To those of us who knew the pain,
Of valentines that never came.
And those whose names were never called,
When choosing sides for basketball.

It was long ago and far away,
The world was younger than today.
And dreams were all they gave for free,
To ugly-duckling girls like me.

We all play the game and when we dare,
To cheat ourselves at solitaire.
Inventing lovers on the phone,
Repenting other lives unknown,
That call and say, come dance with me,
An' murmur vague obscenities,
At ugly girls like me,
At seventeen.

It first talks about how those beautiful, rich girls get away with everything. Those who have beauty and money are usually in power in contrast to those who are equally talented but remain undiscovered because they are wallflowers. Beautiful girls get the Valentines, and great Friday nights.

This song is like a wallflower's diary to how they actually feel insecure about not having to experience the thrill other teenage girls have.

Is it human nature to feel insecure? I do not know really. But I admit that I do feel insecure too. 

Society tries to give us the ideals of what is beautiful, and when we tend to agree with society, our own vision gets distort and we finally lose what the true idea of beauty is. True beauty doesn't have to deal with total physical perfection. Beauty can be found in so many ways more than just the body and face. 

Of course, you can't just avoid society, but there's one big gift you can give to yourself: NEVER EVER GIVE IN TO WHATEVER MAKES YOU THINK LESS OF YOURSELF. 

There will always be something or someone who'll get in the way all the time. But please please believe in yourself. DO NOT GIVE THAT SOMETHING OR SOMEONE POWER OVER YOU. Who do they think they are? I know how it feels like to feel so ugly and weak and totally imperfect. So many people have brought me down with their words. But I show them that no matter how much they've hurt me, I'll be strong. They're only viciously waiting for your weakening reaction. Don't give them that satisfaction. Instead of the hurt you'll build in yourself, give them the hurt they'll get because you never felt anything with that they tried hurt you with. YOU'LL BE STRONG. No one wants to mess with a strong person right? I know it's hard to be one. But with much emotional strength, you can do it. You are amazing and you know that.

Janis Ian may have gone through this teenage hardship, but look where she is now? A musical legend. I know you'll be a legend too. Always remember that there's someone who believes in you. :) 

Hello, my diverse taste in music!

I love music, I definitely do. I love how I tend to lose myself and temporarily forget about the hassle of the real world when I hear good music. 
I love how upbeat music drifts me into a dancing mood, and dancing releases my happy hormones, the endorphin? 
I love how chill and sleepy music helps me open my mind to a wider horizon, and with that, I figuratively meant spacing out. 
I love classical music! I always have fascination for the masterpieces by Mozart, Beethoven, Tchaikovsky and the likes. 
I practically love different kinds of music! 
    I love Reggae --- I love how they artfully hit  the drums in all the perfect places to produce tasteful sounds. I love dancing lazily to the beat of Reggae music! It's so relaxing and invigorating at the same time. 


    Indie --- One of my most favorites! I definitely wonder why some greatest music (in my own opinion perhaps) are kept hidden.I love how eccentric styles of singing are emphasized in Indie music. It shows how some people are just vocally gifted.


    Heavy Rock --- I take "Heavy Rock" as a general term for rock music. Forgive my lack of knowledge when it comes to proper labeling of genres. I like rock, I like how it gives me that action-scence-kind-of-invicible feeling. Isn't it where there's some kick-ass action scence rock music can be somehow appropriate to go with it? I like Screamo too, I don't know, but I just do. I like Nirvana, Incubus, Evanescence, The Cranberries, Escape The Fate and more recently Taylor Momsen's band, The Pretty Reckless. 


   Blues/Soul/Jazz --- I don't really know the exact difference of these three are, but what I know is, I really love them! I love how they give off a sassy and sophisticated feeling. I love hearing the saxophone, the sexy and smooth voice, the occasional piano.. Everything about Jazz, Blues and Soul just give me a lift anytime!


  Club / Pop Music - Even though it's particularly mainstream, I still like it. Of course pop particularly appeals to a wide range of people, and I'm not immune to that. Club music -- dubstep!! Cheers to that robotic feeling. Hey, I love how it makes me want to dance, almost every single time. 


  Rap --- Maaaaan, how I love Rap!! I love the words, I love the music that accompany it, and most of all, I love the attitude that comes from the Rapper himself!! I love how some Rap like those of Kid Cudi and Mac Miller tell about their lives. It's like people sharing a part of their lives in the form of heartfelt rapping. 


Okay, that's practically all. I may miss out and forgot some that I usually like too.. But truly, I love all kinds of music! :-) 

I still believe in perfect timing

I seriously need to successfully convince myself not to rush things. I am the type of person who's impulsive, and with that impulsiveness, comes my not-so-careful judgment and rush to finish things I want to do. Not an entirely attractive trait, isn't it?
I do not know what's with me and my habit of rushing things. I have to put an immediate end to it! I do not want to one day face a situation I wasn't supposed to be in because of my habit.
I need to tell myself that I believe in perfect timing. I don't have to rush everything at hand, because everything falls into its exact place in its own perfect time.
"What's meant to be, will be." I must put this unto my head because learning to value time is still important. We don't have to go against time to be successful. Maybe I should learn to take it slowly, and learn to enjoy everything along the way.

There's light at the end of the tunnel

It's a cliche statement, but somehow, it gives me hope every time I stumble upon it. Every tunnel is dark, can be a stinky place filled with unpleasant things. Some may also be grueling to come out of,  but with much perseverance one can climb its way out of it. 


No one wants to encounter series of very disappointing events, but they're a part of life. I hate to say it, but a necessary part of life. Why did I even say its necessary? We can live without it. We barely need them to destroy all the uneasy foundation we have built. We'll even be happier if they never existed. Everything will go easy. Families will never be shattered, lovers will never get tired of each other, each countries' economy is booming, physical and diplomatic wars do not exist, and to those who love Greek literature, the Pandora's box was never opened. 


Imagine a perfect Utopian world, where everything is good. Everything is enjoyable. Everything is fair. Everything is what we ever dreamed of. In a political perspective, it is having an ideal community or society with a perfect socio-politcal-legal system. There would be no corruption, no injustice, no racial discrimination. Each citizen is equal, and leaders never abuse their power. Isn't it just perfect? Especially in time like these? 


There would be nothing to worry about then. Everything is stable and secured. 


But then,  if everything was happy, would we be able to feel the feeling of "appreciation"? Would "appreciation" even be a part of the dictionary? I do not entirely know. But isn't that when you're constantly used to something, you'd never get to discover how much something is eventually better than what you always have? It's like breaking your boundaries to try something exhilarating you've never done before. You'd appreciate the courage you mustered because it brought you to greater heights. If you've been through series of hellish situations, wouldn't it be that you're the happiest person on earth when they're finally done? It's like studying numerous pages of books and memorizing the hardest terms and pulling an all-nighter just for a subject? But then because of the industrious deeds, you've earned the highest score. That's the taste of true success and self-fulfillment, and that's all because you didn't take the easy way out. You went through the tunnel. The dark tunnel. And the light welcomed you with its arms wide open and didn't seem to let you go for a while, because you deserved it.


If everything was perfect, there'd be no equilibrium. Everything has to  be equal. Everything has to be grounded. Everything must be kept at the middle. In the end, we'll be thankful for everything in life. Maybe they all have something to teach. We'll all figure it time. In the meantime, let us never lose hope to meet that perfect light one day, with its arms wide open because we deserved it. 

Be absolutely careful with your words

Words are more treacherous and powerful than we think.
         - Jean-Paul Sartre

Have you ever dropped something so hurtful at someone? Have you ever got so angry that you intentionally said heartbreaking words to a loved one? Do you think insulting jokes are funny? 
We all have to check twice whatever comes out of our mouth. I am not being a hypocrite, I may sometimes be so opinionated that I become tactless, but I know how it is like to be a victim of words that incredibly hurt.


I'm the kind of person who just laugh it all off. Someone jokingly insults me, and I just shrug it off. I laugh with them and PRETEND I think whatever the hell they're talking about is funny. When in reality, it hurts and it is not even half of what I consider a funny joke. I just pretend. I don't want any wars, so I put up with these kind of people. You may be well-liked by everyone, but once you have a stupid sarcastic mouth, I'd really really dislike you. I like some people who are sarcastic. But only those ones who are sensitive with my feelings. Those who are WISE ENOUGH to make sarcasm look like a philosophical statement. I really really wonder how some people think they're making other people laugh by hurting another one's feelings instead. I mean, are they just that insecure and shallow? Don't they have sensitivity and values to look up to? Seriously.. These kind of people get on my nerves. YOU ARE NOT FUNNY IF YOU TAKE OTHER PEOPLE AS INSTRUMENTS OF YOUR INHUMANE JOKES. Go on and make fun of others. Go bully others. But once it's your turn, you'd be sorry as hell that you never learned to put a zip on your incautious mouth. You never know what one is capable of. Those who suppress their feelings are the ones who are the most powerful. Do you want to wait for the moment somebody takes their revenge on you? No one wants that. So please, do not ever try to hurt others through your jokes. You just don't how much they hurt. 


I am aware of bullying and I am deeply against it. Please do not verbally abuse others just because it makes you feel good. Please think of the many problems they already have. Do not add up to it. HAVE SOME EMPATHY. Put yourself on their shoes. Would you like being picked on? Would you liked to be teased everyday of your life? It's never too late to realize our actions.. 


"Do unto others what you want others to do unto you." A simple golden rule.

I`ll be complete

This day, of all days, actually gave me the chance to open my eyes to the person I  have been. I really didn't expect to become this way. 
I guess no one really knows how they end up anyway. Against all odds, we probably end up the way we are supposed to. 
There may be a hundred regrets and thousand what-ifs,but they are all secured in their tight placements.I firmly believe we are where we are destined/supposed to be. 

But I still wonder.. If one situation in my life were changed, will everything still be the same? Will I be a better person or a person who has reached her worst peak? 
I really don't know. I've wondered for answers,but I think everything leads to one page. And that's the kind of life we live in right now. 


How about the people in our lives? Why do some people have to leave and disappear from our life? Will our life be a happier one if certain people never left our sides? Or do some people really leave because they no longer have a role to portray in our life? We no longer need them. Is that so? I don't really want to lose anyone. That's just the most painful thing ever. But I guess, we grow a lot from people we lose. From them, we learn that nothing lays constant all the time. Something always has to go away to let us learn our lesson to never take anything for granted. It may be really painful, but in the end, we'll be thankful. 


It's a world of chances and changes. We get our chances, but we all experience changes. We must learn to accept the flow of the world in order to successfully grow. Grow emotionally. Grow intellectually. Grow mentally. Grow physically. Grow spiritually. 


Everything we experience leads to the betterment of ourselves, only if we condition ourselves that we get through no matter what. We must believe everything is for our own good. 


I've experienced both pleasant and bad, and I guess I'll be complete soon enough. 
I learned a lot. But I know I still have a lot to learn. 
I thank God for everything. He never left me alone, and I know He'll always be there. 
I'll be complete. One day. 

Changes

Changes, never been good with change
I hate it when it all stays the same
caught between the gold and the game
Changes, never been good with change
I hate it when it all stays the same
caught between the cold and the waves
My heart beats up, again

Changes - Stars 

This song just sticks a simple relevance to me: changes will always be there, no matter how accustomed you may be to something. Change is inevitable. Change is good. Change can be bad. Change can destroy you. Change can make you a better person. Change can define you. But what really? I've been analyzing the true meaning of changes that suddenly appear. Changes that suddenly come when you've been finally enjoying your life. Changes that cut short everything you thought that'd last forever. Why must everything you have been used to suddenly break its usual flow? Why can't it stay the same since it's already making you the happiest person on earth? Just like what the chorus of the song is implying: "Changes, never been good with change" it's not been necessarily easy to adjust to change. It's like a huge shocker and you're still caught up with your past. You're still not ready to let go, but you have to. You have to adjust in to a new way of life. A fresh new lifestyle. It will never be just easy. It will take a lot of chances of letting your feelings out. You'll have to get used to a series of new procedures. Everything happens for a reason. And maybe those changes are a huge part for progress in our life. On a positive note, wouldn't everything else get boring when it's always the same? Maybe being a little adventurous wouldn't hurt. There'll be a whole new array of changes, and all you have to do is be thankful for them. Because in the end.. those changes will lead you to the path you've been really destined to go through. 

SERENDIPITY

In my unbiased opinion, I really think the best feeling in the whole word is SERENDIPITY. 
It's just how you get pleasantly surprised from an unexpected happening. Taken from a dictionary, "Serendipity" literally means: "The faculty of making fortunate discoveries by accident." 

Doesn't that just feel so great? Discovering something by an accident? Well, let's not say an accident, but rephrase it as "through an UNEXPECTED spur of the moment". I've had my own share of serendipitous moments in my life. I may not really concretely remember all of those treasured moments, but I have got one thing imprinted in my mind for sure, those moments have left me immensely happy and satisfied with so many good things life has to offer me. I may have gotten an incredibly bad day, but when something serendipitous happens, all those unfavorable happenings are instantly forgotten. It's just like you're cranky and penniless from a rough day at school, and you suddenly step on a penny that's just enough to get you your favorite ice cream, and coincidentally, you're exactly adjacent to your favorite ice cream shop. I know that sugar rush will get you in to happier thoughts and a temporary sense of satisfaction. It's also like wearing the wrong clothes for an event, but actually get compliments after. I guess it will not always be unfortunate happenings for us. We are not bound for series of unfortunate events. Every once in a while, we are bound to have our serendipitous moment to give us a sense of actual relief that no matter how destructive a situation is, there's always a good thing that'll suddenly appear to get us out of the hell hole. Even if we think how dire and lonely we think the world is, the world would not want us to have a bad relationship with it. It probably wants us to be happy too. I guess the best things in life aren't the expected ones, but those that are least expected, because they have the hugest effect on us. 

Alaska Young & Effy Stonem

Alaska Young and Effy Stonem are my kinda girls.

They have got a bad-ass view of life, and I adore that.

Alaska Young is from John Green's famous book which I really love, "Looking For Alaska" while Effy Stonem is from the British teen show, "Skins".

They're not exactly the best role models for me but they've definitely got something different and dark around them. Like a mysterious air exclusive to them. I don't necessarily adore how these two fictional characters are both self-destructive and filled with vices, but I adore how they're both intelligent and bad-ass at the same time. It's rare to find women misbehaving especially since society has formed them as demure and modest ones for centuries, but as they say "Well-behaved women rarely make history." These two girls give me the feeling that as long as you know your limits and never lose your self-respect, go for it. I'm not encouraging misbehaving in any way, but having the mindset that, "Do what you want, it's your life anyway. But make it worth to tell in the end."

Alaska Young is intelligent. Really intelligent. The type that's intimidating because she practically doesn't look like a smart alec but is one. She has a stack of books around her, and I just find myself like her. I love books. I'm a huge bookworm. Books have a way of making me happy and satisfied like nothing else in this world. Just because you're famed as a bad girl doesn't mean you do not have time to be on the good side enjoying the little things. She loves being the leader and she has the qualities of being the leader.

Effy Stonem may always be found as one with heavy and dark make-up. She looks kind of disheveled all the time but there's one thing I really like about her. She may present herself as a cold and unloving person, but I know deep inside her, she has too much love. She loves her family but fails to show it. She's always there for them and even for her own peers. I guess there's always a valuable side to any person.

I know they're both work of fiction, but I just love analyzing their characters in my own way. They've made a mark on me as historic fictional women but there's no way I'm entirely going to be like them.I'm still going to be my own person, but I can't deny, these two girls are one hell of a kind.

It`s 2012

It's 2012 and definitely, a lot of me has changed. I remember the last time I wrote an entry here was when I was 12, and really young.

Now, I am 14 and well equipped with a different aura. I cannot wholesomely say that I am mature, but compared to my 12 year old self, I definitely have matured.

High School has a way of changing things, but I take it positively and I actually love High School. It is the rare chance wherein you're old enough to do the stuff you weren't able to do in grade school and young enough to be free from some liabilities. Guess you have got to cherish these 4 years!