Hello to the highs and lows!

I'm now a 15-year old girl who has probably learned a lot along the way during my annual metamorphosis.

Looking back, I may have been a little down, but this time, it's actually the time to enjoy what life has to offer.

There may be a couple of highs and lows, but gathering the necessary strength to combat all these sad downpours is going to keep me at a safe equilibrium, and hopefully also beci\ome the equation to happiness I long for.

I want to stop all the negative thoughts. I could if I give myself the willpower to. It's mind over matter anyway.

And for the highs, I have to cherish them. There are all fleeting moments, like bubbles that break in a blink of an eye.

I wouldn't say I've learned all the discreet ways of life, because I certainly still have to learn a lot. A lot that can actually surprise my hypothalamus. A lot that I can be thankful for in the end.

Hello to the highs and lows!

All the useless mind troubling.

I don't think I really had the chance to give myself closure for all the things that happened to me. I wasn't really impressed with what I've done during the past year. I'm honestly so gutted with myself. I hate myself for what I've done. It was not the girl I know. It was just a disastrous cover-up who wanted to have some reckless fun. And that reckless fun was too much of an embarrassment that still haunt me each day, and remind me that I should be a better person this time. No more spaces for stupid mistakes. 

I give my mind all the useless troubling, and I constantly feed myself with my insensible insecurities. I could have been a happier person if only I knew how to give closure to myself. But I just couldn't. I couldn't forget and forgive. It's all too blurry for me. 


I want to forgive myself, but I don't think I'm worth forgiving. I sound neurotic. But really... If only I was a little wiser I wouldn't have ended up this miserable.


I feel a little detached, but I think it's the safest way. I don't want to be any nearer anymore. I don't want to commit stupidity even at the lowest costs. I don't want to look back and regret, something that became an everyday hobby of mine.

Is this even psychologically healthy? I think not. I am so angry. I am so frustrated I want to slam my laptop. But no. I need to live with this.

I did all these mistakes now I have to face them. I have to face the embarrassment I caused myself. I have been stupid, and I have to face the consequences it entails.

It's all different now.

Yes, it all is.

I'm not the same girl I was before, and I don't know if that's a good thing.

I've been through different phases in life, and I've kind of got myself in silly little transitions.

It's all good in the hood.

I don't know if I like how I am right now. But, I know for sure, I like the comfort.

I like how I no longer need emotional dependence from anyone.

I don't have the need to share my stories and problems to anyone anymore. I like it. Because I honestly know no one (out of all the people I know in my life) is genuinely interested in my life. And all the stories I have to share.

I may be physically and socially present to everyone, but in all deep honestly, I'm perfectly emotionally absent. Weird, right? I don't find the need to emotionally connect with anyone anymore.

I feel I don't have a best friend anymore. It used to hurt and disturb me so much, but not anymore. Fine, I don't have anyone to share anything with.

After all, I have myself. I have my blog.

I feel so alone.

But it's not like I can do anything about it.

First impressions

Everybody says first impressions are always important. They can make a huge impact on the level of respect people will give you.


But are first impressions really that important? Are they accurately factual? Or just a mere impulsive thought we give a person when we first take notice of them?


We probably couldn't avoid having first impressions of other people, maybe it's even human nature to. Even I have first impressions of other people.


Why am I suddenly writing about this topic? Well, it's just that there are recently so many instances that my first impressions were really inaccurate. I mean, I see a person, and when I get to have a proper conversation with them, they usually are completely opposite of what I first thought.


I'd see a buff guy that seem to give off an intimidating aura, but when I get to talk to him, I realize how pleasantly friendly he is.


I seem to see a girl who looks like an all-around party girl, but then when I get to know her, she's actually very entertaining and accommodating.


It's like I surprise myself. You really wouldn't know a person until you get to talk to them face-to-face. Sure, they can only say what they choose to say, and do what they think is safe for their reputation, but the mere fact that they were completely far from what I thought they'd be.


I don't think I'm being judgmental at first, or I'm trying to stereotype them. It's just that I'm curious about them But, it's like a really heartwarming feeling when you finally get to know them.


Everyone has their own depth, and merely looking at them or giving a conclusion on how they act when you first saw them, wouldn't determine that. You'd have to dig a little deeper, and give them a chance to let you explore their personality.


After all, anything can surprise us. 

This meaningful song

Janis Ian is a wonderful singer. Yes, she is. I remember listening to her through my mom when I was really young. I love her song "At Seventeen". I never really pondered upon the lyrics yet, only dancing to the beat. 
But now that I got a little bit older and learned to appreciate the song not only for the beat it had, but for the lyrics too. This song is definitely MEANINGFUL. Truly heartfelt. It must be like a diary to Janis when she wrote it. You could obviously sense her outpouring honesty in this song. 
It speaks so much of how teenage girls feel, and how society and reality mold girls. Girls may be one gender, but when you look at it, it's hard being a girl, especially when you're in the stage of puberty, where you get to open your minds to the world's reality. You can get shocked about how the world spins. 
If you have time, please do read the lyrics I pasted here. If you're a girl, you'd really understand what Janis' singing about. 


I learned the truth at seventeen,
That love was meant for beauty queens.
In high school, girls with clear-skin smiles,
Who married young and then retired.


The valentines I never knew.
The Friday night charades of youth,
Were spent on one more beautiful.
At seventeen I learned the truth.


And those of us with ravaged faces,
Lacking in the social graces,
Desperately remained at home,
Inventing lovers on the phone.
Who called to say come dance with me.
And murmured vague obscenities.
It isn't all it seems,
At seventeen.


A brown-eyed girl in hand-me-downs.
Whose name I never could pronounce,
Said, "Pity, please, the ones who serve,
They only get what they deserve."


And the rich-relationed, hometown queen,
Marries into what she needs.
With a guarantee of company,
And haven for the elderly.


Remember those who win the game,
Lose the love they sought to gain.
In debentures of quality,
And dubious integrity.
The small-town eyes will gape at you,
In dull surprise, when payment due,
Exceeds accounts received.
At seventeen

To those of us who knew the pain,
Of valentines that never came.
And those whose names were never called,
When choosing sides for basketball.

It was long ago and far away,
The world was younger than today.
And dreams were all they gave for free,
To ugly-duckling girls like me.

We all play the game and when we dare,
To cheat ourselves at solitaire.
Inventing lovers on the phone,
Repenting other lives unknown,
That call and say, come dance with me,
An' murmur vague obscenities,
At ugly girls like me,
At seventeen.

It first talks about how those beautiful, rich girls get away with everything. Those who have beauty and money are usually in power in contrast to those who are equally talented but remain undiscovered because they are wallflowers. Beautiful girls get the Valentines, and great Friday nights.

This song is like a wallflower's diary to how they actually feel insecure about not having to experience the thrill other teenage girls have.

Is it human nature to feel insecure? I do not know really. But I admit that I do feel insecure too. 

Society tries to give us the ideals of what is beautiful, and when we tend to agree with society, our own vision gets distort and we finally lose what the true idea of beauty is. True beauty doesn't have to deal with total physical perfection. Beauty can be found in so many ways more than just the body and face. 

Of course, you can't just avoid society, but there's one big gift you can give to yourself: NEVER EVER GIVE IN TO WHATEVER MAKES YOU THINK LESS OF YOURSELF. 

There will always be something or someone who'll get in the way all the time. But please please believe in yourself. DO NOT GIVE THAT SOMETHING OR SOMEONE POWER OVER YOU. Who do they think they are? I know how it feels like to feel so ugly and weak and totally imperfect. So many people have brought me down with their words. But I show them that no matter how much they've hurt me, I'll be strong. They're only viciously waiting for your weakening reaction. Don't give them that satisfaction. Instead of the hurt you'll build in yourself, give them the hurt they'll get because you never felt anything with that they tried hurt you with. YOU'LL BE STRONG. No one wants to mess with a strong person right? I know it's hard to be one. But with much emotional strength, you can do it. You are amazing and you know that.

Janis Ian may have gone through this teenage hardship, but look where she is now? A musical legend. I know you'll be a legend too. Always remember that there's someone who believes in you. :) 

Hello, my diverse taste in music!

I love music, I definitely do. I love how I tend to lose myself and temporarily forget about the hassle of the real world when I hear good music. 
I love how upbeat music drifts me into a dancing mood, and dancing releases my happy hormones, the endorphin? 
I love how chill and sleepy music helps me open my mind to a wider horizon, and with that, I figuratively meant spacing out. 
I love classical music! I always have fascination for the masterpieces by Mozart, Beethoven, Tchaikovsky and the likes. 
I practically love different kinds of music! 
    I love Reggae --- I love how they artfully hit  the drums in all the perfect places to produce tasteful sounds. I love dancing lazily to the beat of Reggae music! It's so relaxing and invigorating at the same time. 


    Indie --- One of my most favorites! I definitely wonder why some greatest music (in my own opinion perhaps) are kept hidden.I love how eccentric styles of singing are emphasized in Indie music. It shows how some people are just vocally gifted.


    Heavy Rock --- I take "Heavy Rock" as a general term for rock music. Forgive my lack of knowledge when it comes to proper labeling of genres. I like rock, I like how it gives me that action-scence-kind-of-invicible feeling. Isn't it where there's some kick-ass action scence rock music can be somehow appropriate to go with it? I like Screamo too, I don't know, but I just do. I like Nirvana, Incubus, Evanescence, The Cranberries, Escape The Fate and more recently Taylor Momsen's band, The Pretty Reckless. 


   Blues/Soul/Jazz --- I don't really know the exact difference of these three are, but what I know is, I really love them! I love how they give off a sassy and sophisticated feeling. I love hearing the saxophone, the sexy and smooth voice, the occasional piano.. Everything about Jazz, Blues and Soul just give me a lift anytime!


  Club / Pop Music - Even though it's particularly mainstream, I still like it. Of course pop particularly appeals to a wide range of people, and I'm not immune to that. Club music -- dubstep!! Cheers to that robotic feeling. Hey, I love how it makes me want to dance, almost every single time. 


  Rap --- Maaaaan, how I love Rap!! I love the words, I love the music that accompany it, and most of all, I love the attitude that comes from the Rapper himself!! I love how some Rap like those of Kid Cudi and Mac Miller tell about their lives. It's like people sharing a part of their lives in the form of heartfelt rapping. 


Okay, that's practically all. I may miss out and forgot some that I usually like too.. But truly, I love all kinds of music! :-) 

I still believe in perfect timing

I seriously need to successfully convince myself not to rush things. I am the type of person who's impulsive, and with that impulsiveness, comes my not-so-careful judgment and rush to finish things I want to do. Not an entirely attractive trait, isn't it?
I do not know what's with me and my habit of rushing things. I have to put an immediate end to it! I do not want to one day face a situation I wasn't supposed to be in because of my habit.
I need to tell myself that I believe in perfect timing. I don't have to rush everything at hand, because everything falls into its exact place in its own perfect time.
"What's meant to be, will be." I must put this unto my head because learning to value time is still important. We don't have to go against time to be successful. Maybe I should learn to take it slowly, and learn to enjoy everything along the way.